AKA the cunning linguist; AKA el ling├╝ista astuto; AKA Thomas the Tongue Engine; AKA le linguiste adroit; AKA il linguista abile; AKA the cunning linguist; AKA el ling├╝ista astuto; AKA Thomas the Tongue Engine; AKA le linguiste adroit; AKA il linguista abile;

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry

I had the most unusual thing happen recently - two weeks running, I had my ladies crying!

I had made plans to spend a private afternoon with fav. lady #1, but circumstances conspired against us. So on my next parlour visit to see her, I gave her a present of some perfume, and she burst into tears, hugging, kissing and thanking me. She finally composed herself to tell me that it is the first time in all her years in the industry that she has received a gift like this. Other girls in this parlour have received chocolates, fruit (WTF? Must have been Con the fruiterer from nearby Queen Vic. Market), sex tools or lingerie - "sex toys and lingerie"? Hey guys, how chauvinist - haven't you learnt anything about women?

Then the next week, visiting fav. lady #2, late afternoon, last client of the day, and we had both had rather ordinary days, so booked an hour and said, "Lets finish this day with a bang!" - little did I realise! Now this lady is a DATY enthusiast - our average "cum score" is 4:1. I've "assumed the position" and she has come a couple of times. She has plateaued and has her legs around me, pulling me into her - god she has the most kissable 'outy'. Some digital application to her G spot finally, after long, most delightful dining, brings an enormous, shuddering orgasm. She collapses back, completely "petit mort", sobbing. I come up and wrap her in my arms, and she says "I can't remember when I last had one of those!"

I now know the difference between clitoral and deep, G-spot, vaginal orgasms.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Elust #71

The Shingle Beach
Photo courtesy of The Shingle Beach

Welcome to Elust #71 

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #72? Start with the rules, come back July 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
 ~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7
days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Erotic Non-Fiction

Erotic Fiction

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish


Catching Up: A Happy Horny Haiku
What You See
Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

"Port and cigar" finale

This post is addressed to those fellow senior connoisseurs that don’t always achieve a “happy ending”.

Being of an age now where BJs never “Blow” (neither covered or bare-back) and 50% of the time the Main Course is not completely fulfilling either, a special Lady-of-Pleasure introduced me to DIYHJ with CIM&S.
On our 2nd ‘outing’ I discovered she had a real taste for cum  However, I have yet to find a lady that really understands what a man needs in a good HJ, so I suggested I DIY in preparation for her.  
Now, not only does she have a “taste” for it, but is quite turned on watching – the straining arm muscles, bulging veins, the reddening, thickening member, her open mouth hovering over-head, her tongue occasionally flicking out to lick off some pre-cum, the tightening of the scrotum. Then just at the crucial moment, I say, “Its all yours!”, and she pounces.  Her suction on my exploding knob is awesome, much better than either DIYHJ or BBBJs individually.  And she keeps sucking with every spasm, milking me dry, swallowing every last drop.
So if you find a lady that offers CIM&S, then I highly recommend this finish.  Once she has had her quota of O’s and the main course has explored all positions, then this is a magnificent “port and cigar” finale - smokin’.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015


The Female Orgasm

OMG, what am I letting myself in for, writing this post. Does she? Doesn't she? Can she? Wanting or not wanting to? Clitoral vs vaginal? Single or multiple? I was initially worried as a male, writing about female orgasms, but on reflection men have probably observed a greater variety of female orgasms than most women. I don't claim that this will be a scientific analysis, or a definitive thesis, and no attempt at statistics has been made. Rather it is just one man's observations. Further, my observations are almost entirely from 'paid-for-sex' encounters which has its own issues which I will touch on later. 

The Good, The Fantastic and The Ecstatic

What an amazingly beautiful thing, the female orgasm is. Unlike we simple, mere males, the female orgasm is as varied, complex and mysterious as women's psyche and physiology.

One of the things I learnt from my ladies early on, is that strength of orgasm is related to whether she can come only once or multiple times. A big strong orgasm is usually a singleton, leaving her exhausted - eg. "That Smile". The French have a delightful phrase, "petit mort", the "little death" to describe that post-orgasmic exhaustion. Some ladies have even said that they can never orgasm more than once a day. But a less strong orgasm is no guarantee of multiples. But then again, singletons are not necessarily 'strong' - some one-a-day ladies only have gentle, quiet orgasms - every woman is wired differently and responds differently. When it comes to multiples, my golden-girl buddy, AX holds my record of 9 in a single session - ride'm cow-girl.

[Ed.17/6] Then there is the "cluster", a series of strong orgasms with a sub-second pause between. I was reminded of these by a recent rollicking great time with Miss A. With the first convulsion, she had my head in a scissor lock while her body bucked around (I thought I would need a chiropractor) - she was very apologetic once she came down - OMG.

Then there is the perennial question of "Clitoral vs Vaginal". On the surface, this describes the style of stimulation that a lady needs to orgasm. Some/many say they can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation. Vaginal stimulation is more difficult for a lady to control and direct toward achieving orgasm if her guy is just thrusting away - vaginal stimulation to orgasm needs to be focused on the G spot and the entrance of the vagina. With her on top and if he holds off from thrusting, she has a better chance of controlling the stimulation she needs. From my observations, there is also a Vaginal Orgasm that is rare and qualitatively different. Different muscles are involved and is probably related to a lady's ability to control her pelvic floor (kegel) muscles. This orgasm starts deep down, rumbling like an earthquake, building up to an explosion. In my first encounter of this, my lady had had several clitoral orgasms, but after the vaginal orgasm exploded, she exclaimed, "God I needed that. I haven't had one of those for months".

Speaking of 'earthquakes', there are sometimes 'after shocks', different from multiple orgasms from continued stimulation. These are smaller post orgasm 'twitches' that occur unexpectedly, that sometimes bring on the giggles. In "I'll Have What She's Having", I wrote of not just a 'Happy Ending', but a 'Hilarious Ending'.

Which brings me to the relationship between humour, orgasms and "The Screamer". I believe that women who have a good sense of humour and an ability to have a good laugh, have better orgasms. Both require the ability to be able to "let go" of those psychological constraints we place on ourselves. This also is related to how vocal we become during orgasm - I'm afraid yours truly is a 'quiet achiever' though my ladies have often said they enjoy my sense of humour.

Orgasmic squirting is another less common response, that I only first experienced after many years - see "Christmas Drinks at the Y". There seems to be no scientific consensus as to what it is. My observations are that it does come from the urethra and is thus not vaginal lubrication, and it doesn't taste like urine.


To round out this discussion, we should touch on "non-orgasms".


Its a sad fact that a significant percentage of women have never had an orgasm. Its not exactly a condition one can 'observe' and write about, but I have been married to such a lady for 40 years. There seems to be three conditions - those that don't know how, those that can't, either physically or emotionally and it could be argued that this later group don't want to have orgasms - the 'loss of bodily control' is just too traumatic. At this point, spare a thought for the millions of girls and women for whom the centre of female pleasure has been cruelly cut out.

Non-sexual Orgasms

Yes Dorothy, such a thing is possible. And I have seen it in person.  Some 20 years ago, Lady Thomas was undergoing a major change in her medications and an ignorant doctor took her off some important meds 'cold turkey'. The withdrawal symptoms were dreadful, hallucinations, phobias, palpitations and muscle spasms. One day we were sitting chatting about nothing when she started have spasms obviously coming from her pelvic area. It was quite frightening and un-nerving. It put the 'nail in the coffin' of her ever wanting sexual orgasms, ever.

Faking It

Almost as sad as the women who are an-orgasmic, are those that feel they have to fake orgasms. Perhaps they are an-orgasmic and don't want their partner to know, but feel an obligation to please their partner.

In the paid-for-sex world, faking is relatively common, when the woman feels that orgasm is too personal and reserves that for their life partner. Sometimes it is put on when the client expects it even if she doesn't have any left in her that day. They aren't known as the "mattress actresses" for nothing.

Giving and Taking

When it comes to men "giving" women orgasms, I am reminded of the joke, "How man psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb" - A. "One, But the light bulb has to want to be changed!". It saddens me that so many men are only interested in their own orgasm, and so many women's orgasms are solitary affairs.

The great mystery of human sexuality, is that at its best, it is both totally selfish and totally unselfish, at the same time. It is both a journey and one or more climaxes (destinations?). But the reality of ageing, is that more and more, I have to be satisfied with enjoying the journey, irrespective of reaching any climax. I have as yet to hear the thoughts from any of my ladies on ageing for them - perhaps they just hide it and fake it.

Thank You

To all the delightful ladies that have shared time with me over the years, "Thank you" just doesn't seem enough. Perhaps I should say "O-O-O-O-OMG!!! THANK YOU!".

PS. Please don't be shy with the Comments. Share your experiences and thoughts, whether male or female.
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